Testimony

     Though my family was considered poor, as a child I didn't realize it.  Not until my pre-teen years did I become aware of our poverty.  As the eldest of four children, I was too occupied with simple childish things to worry about lack of money.  We were taught good Quaker values from our grandpa, who came from Quaker stock.  He had many stories about "the good old days".  He didn't profess to be a Christian, though.   He was the man of the house because Mama was divorced.  She worked hard to feed us and keep clothes on our backs.  She sent us to church if we wanted to go but didn't go herself.  Her remarks standing out in my memory include:  "the church is full of hypocrites" and "charity begins at home" referring to the passing of the offering plate. 
     Even though I didn't have a solid background in Christianity, I always knew that God is real.  Bible stories in Sunday School must have planted some seeds in my soul.
     When I was eleven years old, I had a real experience with God.  I almost drowned in a swimming pool.  I couldn't swim and managed to get in over my head.  I believe it was God who reminded me of my grandpa's advice---"if you ever find yourself drowning, take a gulp of air every time you pop up, hold it, and you'll always pop up again and don't panic."  Even so, I was almost gone when I was finally rescued.   During that desperate struggle for air, I cried out to God to save me.  I told Him I was sorry for every bad thing that I had ever done and promised Him that I would be a missionary.  "I'll be good, I'll be good", was my plea.     
     Later, when I was sixteen years old and a member of the Baptist church, I remembered that promise.  I dedicated my life to be a missionary during a revival service.  Then, because of a series of events, I was hurt and became bitter toward the church.  I guit going to church for many many years.
     After graduating from high school, I joined the Army as W.A.C.  My focus became having a good time.  I worked hard at learning to smoke, cuss, and drink.  I wanted to make up for my shy high school years when I rarely dated  During this time and for many years to come, I was running from God, but He still had His hand upon me.
     It was late on a hot summer night.  I was home early from a date, half drunk, deciding I wanted to go swimming.  The NCO pool was off limits but sometimes some of us would sneak in at night.  This time no one wanted to go so I went alone.  Once over the fence, I began to run for the deep end of the pool to dive in.  Suddenly I heard a loud voice, "STOP!"  I skidded to a stop at the edge, looked down into an empty pool.   Shaken, I looked around  for who had warned me, knowing no one was there.  It was not a human voice that saved me that night, but the voice of God!
     My life was still out of control.  Going my own way led me into so much pain and misery, all the while trying to convince myself I was having "fun".  After awhile, I was convinced that I had totally blown it, that God had written me off as a lost cause.  I was full of self-pity and hatred--for myself and others, also.  I dabbled in the occult.  I married and had two beautiful children but I didn't have a clue how to be a good mother.  I regret that my children had to have such a mess for a mother.  After a divorce, my life continued on a path of bitter pain.
     Finally, I remarried and life became better but I was still empty and depressed.  God was drawing me, though, and I had finally begun to listen.  I had a dream during this time that I was flying up from the earth.  I heard a loud voice saying: "And the earth was split asunder!"  I looked down and saw the earth split in two pieces.  Then I saw millions of people flying up in the air the same as me.  I felt myself leave the atmosphere and my lungs emptied of air.  I knew I was dead. We all gathered together in an endless line in space. I knew that the great judgment was ahead. I was terrified because I knew that I was not ready!.   End of dream.   Needless to say, it turned my thoughts to eternity.
     I went to church occasionally and one evening I was visited by a couple from the last one I had attended.  After they left, I asked Jesus to "make me a good person and to come into my heart."  A few days later I couldn't sleep because the weight of sin was so heavy upon me.  I cried all night, remembering every wicked and evil thing that I had every done.  I knew I was a wretched sinner without hope unless God would forgive me.  I begged for forgiveness.  When morning came, I felt a bit better, hoping that God had heard me and forgave me. 
      But, I thought I was still an awful mess. It seemed to me that it couldn't be that easy, it seemed that there must be more to actually being right with God.   I smoked and to me, smoking loomed as an obstacle keeping me separated from God.  So I asked Him to make me want to quit smoking---(I enjoyed smoking).  A few days later, I noticed a strange thing.  Everything stank like a dirty ashtray.  I had never noticed how horrible cigarettes could smell.  Phew!  Then, it dawned on me that God had answered my prayer.  I was awestruck that He loved me enough to do that!.  With God's help, I quit smoking. 
     During this time period, I had to deal with my doubts about the Bible.  I thought it was full of mistakes and the opinions of men.   How could I believe it?  Then I decided to believe that it is what God wanted to world to have and that it is His Holy Word.  I laid my hand upon the Bible, saying I would believe it even when I didn't understand it.  I still revere the Holy Word of God and the King James Bible is the one I read.
     Still I was depressed.  Where was the joy I should have?  I still supposed that I just wasn't good enough.  Then I went to a strange church with a friend.  They raised their hands and everyone seemed so happy!  I thought church should be solemn and I was a little scared until I met an old acquaintance from high school there.  She was so friendly and full of the joy of the Lord, she made me feel good just being around her.  She invited me to a ladies prayer meeting the following Tuesday morning.  This is where God changed my life!  Though I knew I was forgiven, saved, and headed for heaven someday, still something was missing.  God had prepared me in the preceeding weeks with books, some Christian TV and best of all, His Holy Spirit drawing me.   The teaching that day was about the baptism in the Holy Spirit.   I was eagar to receive it!  The ladies prayed for me and told me it was done.  Okay, but I didn't "feel" anything.  The very next morning, I woke up feeling expantant.  I began to pray softly so not to wake up my family.  I felt the Lord wanted me to pray for my family, then my friends and neighbors.  Next thing I knew, I was praying in an unknown language.  It was so amazing!  No one will ever convince me that it isn't the Holy Spirit within me using my mouth to pray and praise.  It is not spooky.  It is beautiful beyond belief.  That morning was the best day of my entire life!  God loved me!  Whereas the day before, I had been using foul language and was darkly depressed, now I was full of the joy I had longed for.  I didn't have to make any effort, but the cursing left.  The Bible became precious and I couldn't get enough of it.  I was filled with a great love for my family and friends.  I was truly a "new creature" in Christ.  Though we were poor in worldly goods, I was now rich in what really matters.  
     This happened many years ago.  Life has been full of ups and downs, sad times and bad times.  I have messed up more often than not.  There have been times when I have asked God to take me home to heaven because I was overwhelmed by circumstances.  Through it all, God has never left me.  He has always led me through the dark valleys.  I know I am a weak person but He is always ready to forgive me when I repent.  My failures teach me to rely upon Him and not upon me.  I still battle depression---it is a "thorn in my side."  Its my failure, not my Father God's.  I need to mention, too, that other Christians are struggling and that instead of watching them, I have learned to focus on Jesus.  Too many times, others have let me down but Jesus never has.  Not once.
     Jesus Christ died for me---and for you, too.  He is the only way to be saved.  I am so glad to be one of His children, bought with the blood of Jesus.   I pray for you---that you will know Him as your savior and Lord and spend eternity in heaven.   As for the precious Holy Spirit, He is our comforter and guide, ever with us when we belong to God through Jesus.  A darkness is covering this old world like never before in the history of the earth.  I am not afraid.  Not for myself.  I am afraid for those who do not know Jesus.   
     Oh, Father, please use this testimony to help others to  come to know You.   In Jesus' Name.  amen